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[19 May 2007|01:18pm] |
I have been waiting for the right time to do this. Finally deal with my life, try to put it behind me, reflect on what i've been through and of course cry my eyes out. Where do I even begin? I thought maybe it would be better for me to not discuss the past, but instead focus on who I am now because of it, but I don't want to deny myself the feeling of release. Yes I went through a bad breakup; we all know this, and that is about all I will speak of that. Because more importantly, I lost myself and my focus in life. It was hands down the scariest few months of my life, and though I definitely did not go through them alone, in a sense, I really did have to rely on myself to grab myself out of the hole I was in and force myself to see the light. Not the easiest thing to do. Especially when I was so blinded and overwhelmed with feelings that would not allow for my success. I will never forget those feelings that held me back and I;m sure I havent seen the last of them, but I will never let them take over my life again. Though this may sound extreme, it was my reality. I was physically dying and emotionally dying. I did alot of damage to my body and to my soul that was incomprehensible. At the time, I couldnt see it. I had doctors upon doctors telling me that i needed to do something fast before I lost it all. But no one...not one of them gave up on me, and I am forever in their debt. The best way to describe it is suffocation. I was trying so hard to "breathe"..to find myself, my reason for living..and as hard as i wanted it, I was always held back...by myself. It was incredible..like I was staring at the damage done by the biggest tornado and saying to myself...how the hell am i going to put these pieces back together. i had no idea where to begin or what to do, but i found someone who changed my life and literally held my hand during this whole process and guided me out. i could not have done it without her. i am not ashamed to say that i went to seek help from a counselor; it was one of the smartest decisions i ever made. it's weird how the whole time i knew that i was in a life-changing stage in my life and that everything that was happening to me would mold me into the person i would be for the rest of my life. i feel like i've aged 30 years.
but i have found out an invaluable amount of information about myself. i saw myself at a crossroads and said..alissa, make a decision. and ive made the best one i think i could. i stopped fucking crying for once and enjoyed my life, the people in it, and through that, found who i am and what i want to do. im a pretty good person. i make people smile and laugh and i always will do that for the rest of my life. i will always be silly. i will always be smart and help people when they have questions. i will always see beauty in the simple things in life. i will never be a big drinker or partier. and despite what may have happened to me in the past..i will always value and search for true love. i know it will happen for me, because someone like me deserves a prince charming. i love the ocean and my home in new jersey. i value family and friendship more than anything. and i know i am blessed to be where i am in my life. i know this experience has made me a better person and a stronger person. and i will not put up with things that i dont need to. its really simple actually...if something or someone doesnt make u happy..stop doing it or talking to that person. why should someone else tell u how to be happy or when to be happy. im not going to settle. its stupid. which brings me to something that i need to talk about..my friends.
i have never felt so lucky to know some of you and i would not have made it through this without diana, melody, ashley, tracey, jenny, joanna. i owe each one of you my life..literally. but what do u do when a friendship has been stressed so much to the point that it may not recover..and is it bad that i kind of dont care? tyler tried his best to help me. he got incredibly frustrated and as much as he says i use him when im upset, he used me right back. we stopped talking then he would try to make it ok by showing up to my room, hug me for a while, comment on my ugly clothes, and then leave. and with the new philosophy i have on friendship and relationships in general, that is not going to fly anymore. yea he is going to be gone for a year and close to me this summer. and though i said i'd go see him, i doubt its going to happen. the last night i was at school he came over, begging to spend the night in my bed, and i let him come. i begged him to show me some type of emotion. some feeling he had towards me, this person that he cares about so much and wants to 'date before he graduates' whatever the hell that means. and he sat there and stared me in the eye and said that he lost alot of respect for me and pretty much that he hated me and then grabbed me and tried to put me in his lap and kiss me. and i started crying and in my head im like who is this fool. im not that fucking person that u can make me feel like shit and walk all over me and then think it will all be ok with a kiss. and i told him to get the fuck out and leave me alone. then he screamed at me that he will miss me and our relationship will 'work itself out' and that he'll write. i dont want him to write. im tired of that. he didnt expect me to be strong. i think alot of people dont expect me to be strong. i will not be treated like that ever again. i am not a victim. my love is priceless and people like him dont deserve it. someone one day will cherish it; i have NO doubt.
for now, this summer and my years to come, i will provide my happiness. i will be ok with just doing nothing. no more expectations. no more sadness. no more bullshit that will make me less of a person that i know i am and can be. my brother graduated today and it was like the biggest eye opener for me. that will be me in 2 years. what will i accomplish. what will i have to say for myself. and then i realized 2 years of college are already gone and what do i have to show for them.i know that i have potential to change the world. thats just who i am. im not afraid of doing what i love and i will not apologize for it. i feel like i need to learn more. i need more experience. maybe i do need to go abroad and live in my dream. i want to save animals. i want to learn about them and their behaviors and protect them from us. maybe ill design a zoo; maybe i wont. but the most important thing here to realize is that i see a future for myself. i see happiness as a strong possibility. a few months ago i did not think that could be a reality. and now i want to be a representation of the greatest form of education and of the power of believing in yourself. i am a force. an unstoppable force and hate me or love me, im not going anywhere. im not going back into that hole. you cant silence me. maybe this is a little dramatic or a little intense. but u have no idea the power of these realizations unless you went through a time in your life without them.
well i sure am emotionally drained. still unemployed. still bored. but hey..thats cool, because tomorrow i'll wake up and be happy to be alive. so suck on that, biotcchhess lol
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[06 Mar 2007|02:43pm] |
there are so many things running around inside my head, and i need to get them down and sort them out before i can move on with my life. its been about 3 weeks since i broke up with chip, and its been the most frustrating 3 weeks of my life. i tried to fight him off the best that i could, but i often fell into traps of familiarity and feelings of comfort. and while i was in those moments, absorbing his words and his touch, he still dissapointed me. and i learned little by little that we will never be again. at first, i felt ok about moving on because i felt i had no other choice. he fell out of love with me, he couldnt be with me at the point where he was in his life, so i needed to accept it. under that mentality, i was fine. i wanted to stop all contact, i wanted to pretend like he didnt exist. but he wouldnt let me. he wouldnt leave me alone. then came the words of regret. im so sorry for treating u that way, alissa. i miss you so much. i want to earn your trust back. i want to be with u regardless of where i am next year. that felt so good and so fake all at the same time. but then my hope grew. i thought maybe it was true; maybe he would love me and treat me better. maybe he really did realize how amazing i am. and i let him see me face to face and he made me cry again. he kissed a girl 2 days after we broke up while i was hysterical in bed, drugging myself so i could fall asleep. and i vowed that he would never make me feel low like that again. then came the excuses...i was selfish, i didnt know. she kissed me and i backed away. he has a thing about lying to my face. i said never talk to me again and he said he would talk to me in a month. that lasted a day. every time..i miss you. and what could i say to that...great, good. all this i love you shit that still doesnt mean anything. i try to keep busy and i feel so positive about everything except for him. he makes me feel so terrible...feelings of worthlessness..feelings of lies, of pain that i never deserved. and yet there are some nights where i just wish his arms were around me. most recently, i let him talk to me more and more and i went over his house. and i went to his drawer, he freaked out. not playing those high school games? im sure ur not chip. im sure u walk around telling people ur in love with me. that you dont want to do anything that doesnt have to do with getting me back. you lied to my face. you're a coward and you had the balls to sleep with girls and tell me that im everything you want. and this is why i could never be with him. he lies. i cant trust his feelings. i know he wants to control me, but he will never have that ability anymore. i am not an object that someone can own and throw around however they want to. i do not care where he goes to school in the fall. i will not be with him, i will not let him have my love. i hate him with every inch of my body and this is my final and absolute goodbye. i feel like im taking off a jacket that weighs 1000 pounds and now i can just be. im no longer held down by disappointment or pain. the words he has said to me never meant a thing. not one thing.
these past weekends, i actually went out. boys came to me. they begged me to see them. they kissed me. and i felt like i was their only care in the world. i was the only person in those rooms. i havent felt that good in such a long time. i havent felt desired in such a long time. i havent felt like someone genuinely cared about my feelings in such a long time. he got up in the middle of class, making such a big commotion just to sit next to me and make me smile. thinking about him brightens my day, and i want to be rid of chip so i can experience more of these feelings. so why should i care that chip is having sex with other girls. he's not worth my time when there is someone right next to me in class who says he would have made me the happiest girl on valentines day, while chip was making me cry. or what about my friend from home who told me that when i get back he will do anything he has to to make me happy. someone actually sees my worth; there is no reason to be upset about someone who still doesnt give a shit. and then there is always my tyler who has never left my side and who really is my best friend. i owe much of my happiness and strength to him. i just wish he really knew how important he is in my life and how i will die without him next year. and i love how even after all the bullshit i put him through, he will still come to my room in negative degree weather to hold me and let me cry on his cashmere sweater.
chip has alot of problems and he will deal with them eventually, but he will no longer be my problem. i dont care where he goes to school. a part of me wants him to go to american so he can just leave me alone. a part of me wants him to go to tufts so he can feel what it is like to be absolutly alone and watch as i give my love to other people who deserve it. other people who arent shady. either way its a win win situation for me. i will be fine. i am fine. as my dad says....alissa can only control alissa. i could never control what he did and im sure he did alot behind my back that ill never know about, but the point is...i can cry about it and say why is he so mean..or i can say oh ok, cool. i choose the latter. i have great friends, great family, great boys who CARE. i had forgotten what it was like to be kissed with passion. its a good feeling. and there will so much more of that in my life to come. chip can go do whatever he wants. i just need to worry about myself. worry about what alissa is doing with whoever she wants to do it with.
anthony asked me if anything good came out of this relationship and at first i said no...and then i really thought about it and said the only thing that was good was that i love myself so much more now. i respect myself so much more for loving and caring about a person as much as i did for chip. and now i can respect myself for standing up for my happiness and moving on. life is really strange the way it works out sometimes. but god has a plan for me, and ill work it out day by day. but for now, im gonna get in bed..go to sleep..and have a smile on my face because today was the first day of my new life and im pretty excited.
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[16 Feb 2007|11:24am] |
There are 6 billion people out there in the world and one of them is meant to be yours. one of those people will complete you and make u feel whole in all aspects of your life. It is hard to lose one of those people. It is never easy to end a relationship no matter the length or the circumstances on which it ended. I need to vent about my end. I need to put it to rest and try to look foward to a new beginning. this is the most painful thing to do, but i dont know how else to heal.
Sometimes i find myself staring at the phone, wishing it would ring more than anything in the world. the sound of his voice would sooth my broken heart, but it wont ring and it shouldnt. ill never move on with false hope. i dont want to move on but i have no choice anymore. it is one of the most painful feelings in the world when you love someone with all your heart and they dont feel the same way back. how can you make them love u. how can u make them want to be with u, to desire you, to adore you. you cant. and i have learned this the hard way. i sit and think about our firsts. our first kiss and how silly we both were. how i told him i want to be with him. how he asked me. nights together in eachothers arms. the butterflies. and then i begin to think about the tears. the anger that he has towards me. the pain he has caused. the main that i love with all of my heart is not the man that exists today. I would do anything to get him back. but it wont work and its taken me a month to realize that. i cant forget the memories we have shared. i cant just pretend like they didnt happen. and im mourning the loss of them. im mourning the possibility of having them again. but my phone wont ring. it wont be real. when someone loses interest and feeling, there is no hope. i have no hope. i have to let him go. and though he wont come back, it will be ok. i have people in my life who love me. i have people who will embrace me when i cry instead of staring at me from across the room. i will find someone to hold my hand again one day. i will be ok. but for now, the pain is overwhelming. to think that he is living his life fine without me tears me apart inside. rejection from the one person u want to kiss is the most painful of heartaches. i had to delete pictures of us. i had to stare at each one and look into my eyes and see how happy i used to be with him. i had to look into his eyes and see how much he used to adore me. its hard not to think about what i have done wrong or what i did to make him distant. my love will not just dissapear. it cant, its too strong. so i try to think of his painful words. and try to be mad over the fact that he is willing to lose me. im trying to be angry over the fact that he chose a bar over me. but its no use. u cant hate a person if you love them. time will heal me. i know it will, but smiling will be hard for a while. i look foward to the opportunity to find reciprocal love, but right now hes the only thing i want. i look around my room and i see him. i feel him in my bed holding me. he used to never want to let me go. he used to know what he had. 2 nights ago he called me and said he wanted to be with me. but it was a lie. once again i got my hopes up and it was a lie. we broke up on valentines day. all i wanted was a letter. i wanted him to tell me he appreciated me. i wanted him to tell me that he loved me more than anything in the world and would never want to be without me. instead, he let me go. he let me walk out. i knew he would never run after me. it sucks because i know him better than he thinks, and i know what he says are lies. and yet, i believe them because i want him more than anything in this world. why do i want someone who would let me go. why do i want to be with someone who doesnt put me first. he once called me family. he once told me he wanted to be with me this semester. he once told his friends he could see himself marrying me. yea, hes told me alot of things. alot of things that never held any truth. and yet, everything i have said to him was real. i would have been with him forever. i would have and did give him all of me for over a year and i would have never stopped. but i do need to stand up for myself. i do need to realize the way he treated me was not what i deserved. i deserve a man who would bend over backwards to see me smile. to want to see and be with me more than anything in the world. and that is not him. i have accepted that. i have accepted how much he has changed. and i need to thank him for letting me go so that i can find someone who really deserves me. i had to defriend him on facebook because the sight of other girls talking to him would rip me apart. erasing him out of my life is so hard.
but i have not left this experience empty handed. i have learned what it really means to love and sacrifice for someone u love. it has opened my eyes to my past and how stupid i was. eric was right...no person will ever love me as much as he did. and i know this because eric loved me like i love chip. he put up with alot of my shit and i will call him one day and apologize. for now i know what it feels like to feel rejected by the one u love, unwanted by the one u love. i will stop loving chip one day and i do think it will turn to anger. but i have my whole life ahead of me. every day will get better. he will look back on this one day and know that he made a mistake. i have no doubt of that whatsoever. maybe hell think of me one day when he passes olin. maybe hell feel a little empty when he goes to the library. maybe hell wish i was next to him when he sleeps.
there is someone out there for me. someone who will lift me off my feet and give me butterflies once again. someone will kiss me with such a passion that i will feel their love for me. chip never kissed me towards the end. he never held me. i was a thing, something he had to put up with. but thats ok, because that makes me a good person. loving someone and being devoted to them is a good thing. my family is comming up tomorrow and they will take me far away from here, away from all thoughts of chip. hes just not a good person. ACCEPT IT ALISSA. THE CHIP YOU LOVE WILL NEVER COME BACK. like my dad said to me, people break up all the time. people divorce all the time. i am not the first person to experience heartache and i will not be the last. i do not want to stop writing because it heals me in such an amazing way. but i think if i keep going it may become torture. to think of all that i am losing is way too difficult. the inside jokes, the photos, the memories. over winter break i went to his cousin's wedding and i sat there in the pews holding his hand with this strong feeling of rightness. it just felt right. i felt good. we've spent new years eve together for 2 years now. valentines day last year was amazing. but once again, i need to remember that those memories involve a different chip. a different man, a different love. he will not call. he will not im. and so what...my life will go on. its his loss and im ready to make new memories with someone else. when i come back from being away with my family, i will delete him off my buddy list and take the last pictures of us down. ill delete him out of my phone and pack away all things that he gave me. and i will start a new life, chip-less. its just so hard to accept that this is it, ya kno? this is the end. we break up all the time but we realize we want to be together in the end and get back together the next day. he usually calls. but my phone hasnt rang and it wont. it just wont. its hard to accept the fact that this is the end. no more. my life at tufts is going to change alot, but its for the best. being with someone who doesnt love you anymore just doesnt make sense. i could sit here all day and ask why this has to be like this, and i often do, but relationships work both ways. and im tired of being in one that only works from my end. apparently holding me when i cry is too much for him to handle, apparently giving up one night of drinking so we could work on our relationship was too much to ask. haha there's the anger. ive been talking to my friend kevin lately and hes known me since i was like 12. and even he said that chip doesnt know what hes losing. other people appreciate me, just not the one person i want to. his loss. how could i love him so much. i dontk now, i just do. i love him. but that will pass.
i still hope he will realize this is not what he wants, but i hope he realizes it before im over him because that would be incredibly unfortunate. but whatever...he can go be single and have sex with anyone he wants. he can flirt and hold other girls. he can date them, but he wont find someone like me. they just wont make him feel right. he wont be silly with them like he was with me. he wont be able to be himself, cuz im the only person who can really tolerate his crazyness. yea i love how crazy he is. if he kisses another girl i think hell know its hollow and that my kisses are meaningful. but whatever, thats for him to figure out for himself. im not going to wait. im going to move on. im going to put him behind me. monday. ill cross my fingers until then. but like i said, it wont ring. and even if it did, unless he said how much i mean to him and how he would do anything to be with me and really mean it, itd be pointless.
god i had forgotten how good it feels to write everything out. he may read this..he may not..i really dont care. call me crazy for loving. but i do love and this is how much i love.
i love you chip. i really do. itll be hard to be without you, but it wont be the end of the world. and if i ever see u around campus, ill look u in the eye and keep walking. one year and three months full of ups and downs. but my feelings for you are undeniable.
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| New Year |
[04 Jan 2007|11:55pm] |
this is a little late, but it needs to be done.
When I think of 2006, i will always think of pain and suffering, but at the same time, I will remember it as a year of growth and realization. I will not live 2007 as I did 2006. I began 2006 as a lost girl, alone in a state where she had to rely on herself for support. Instead of support, I found disappointment and shame. I felt dependence and distance. I felt all the bad things in the world, and I feel terrible for that girl. The worst part is that all the pain I felt was a product of my own mind. And this semester turned out to be the breaking point, my lowest point that I have ever experienced during the almost 20 years I have been alive. I received the first C+ I have ever gotten in my life, but not as a result of laziness, just because genetics is fucking hard. and it took alot out of me to stare at myself in the mirror and say 'its ok'. And it is ok. My life will not be determined by what grade I got. I will not be rejected from a job or a school because of that one grade. I felt as if I lost myself. Where did the straight A student from Wayne Hills disapear to? How was I that dumb that I could not understand recombinant Dna technology? I've caused alot of damage to myself by thinking that way. But i needed to go through it to realize that what defines me is not the grades i get, but the hard work i put in every day to each of my classes. Just tonight, I had a conversation with 30 year olds about stem cell research. I actually led the conversation and taught them something. and guess what, that's genetics. I learned something, and that's what matters. I am dealing with not being perfect and learning that my identity does not lie within the letter A, but within the hours of notes I take and the meetings I attend and my dedication to becoming the most knowledgeable person I can be. I am proud of myself. I may have gotten a C+ in genetics, but I also got an A in chemistry, which is the 2nd hardest class at tufts. it is designed for 15% of the students to fail, and I got a flat A. and i worked my ASS off. and that's what i can be proud of. and i am. because that's who i am, and that is who i will always be.
so then december came, and it really destroyed me. a girl 2 doors down killed herself. she was a freshman and she decided the world was too hard to live in and tied a bag over her head and ended it. and though i was not best friends with her, i knew her and her decision has effected me greatly. If i could describe 2006 in one word, it would be hopelessness. and i am sure that is what she felt too. im sure that in her final seconds, she felt so alone, and i have felt that as well. her decision to end her life has made me decide to get mine back. I will not cry in 2007 because of other people or because of how horrible i feel about myself. thats done with. there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. and i will pull myself out of it because i am a strong person and i am able. after that happened, i came back to NJ with the thought that i would just relax and work on my stability, but then my grandpa died 2 days before christmas. it is rough, but it has taught me things as well. his passing has taught me the importance of family and the idea of 'home'. This pathetic being that i was in 2006 was not the granddaughter he knew, and i will not continue down this path. I have many things to live for and i have much to accomplish in my life. and i will. i guess everyone must go through rough times in order to learn, and i think ive had my fair share of rough times. I thank all of you who have accompanied me on this journey and those that have stayed up late with me listening to my crying. i promise i will be stronger this time around and be there for anyone who needs me. I am who i am and i will never deny myself. my true friends will love me for who i am, will not try to change me, and will value me just as i am. thats all i can ask for.
2006: you have been difficult, but you have made me stronger. and that is priceless.
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[18 Nov 2006|12:45am] |
I speak Life
Dont give up the fight for your life
You shall live and not die
One morning I envision myself opening my eyes, looking around the world and saying wow i'm so lucky to be here. Until that day I will remain as I have been for the past year and live life wounded and blind. I bleed through tears that pour from my heart. A dying flower sits on my desk, grasping for any ounce of life it can hold on to. I know exactly how it feels. I am exactly like that flower. I was once so happy and full of life. I was okay. I will never be okay again.I will never breathe life again, for my soul and my spirit are dead. I have been stripped of any hope I once had for my future. I need your prayers. I know I dramatize things and I know I am selfish, but this is different than anything I have ever gone through in my life. I beg of you please pray for me because I can't do this much longer. I can't hold on much longer. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep under the covers so my roomate wont hear me. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with swollen eyes and presenting my pathetic self to the world. This is not the Alissa that I know. I just wish I had someone to understand me. I wish I was valued. I wish I was loved. I wish I loved myself. I wish I was strong. What happened to me?
I speak Life
you're gonna live
oh my brother, my sister
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[09 Jul 2006|11:12pm] |
i have been destroyed over the past year. thats honestly the best way and only way to put it. i have been ripped of any hint of self that i used to have and it has been replaced by nothing. i am an empty vessel wandering in search of a place to just stop and relax for a while. i have been searching for a place to find myself, to take a breath, to reflect on what may have been the hardest year of my life. and tonight, as i feel that the world is rushing along without me, i have finally found a second in time to call my own. i lost myself during this past year. i have lost all definitions of who i am or who i thought i would turn into. it as if i was once a huge balloon full of hope and ambition, thriving on myself..my own air..and now i have deflated into nothing. just a soft shell protecting a small, barely noticably amount of anything. how do i define myself. by the friends i have, the bf i have, the grades i have? and how have i let myself down so much to the point where i am at right now. if my life was packed into one single room, i could glance around it and find nothing and no one to reach out to. my "rocks" have uplifted and moved out. they change form daily. and now, i am left with only one small rock, who has given up hope and is about ready to ship out just like the others. at a time where i need the most strength, i find myself the weakest and the most scared. i like to think that this pain i feel every day will soon lead me to a place where i am self reliant and free, but i dont see it comming any time soon and i dont kno how much more i can take. i dont like to be alone. i always dream of the day where i never have to be, but it is a silly thought for i will always be alone. no one will ever understand me or give me the time of day to try. "ill be thinking about you" why do i get your thoughts when i need a shoulder. its not fair that everyone else has their shoulder. i simply just have my own. i return to older memories for comfort, but they are short lived. did you ever really know me. did you ever really understand me. why do i feel like such an outsider in a world where all i want to be is inside. if you do not call me tonight...i dont know. why have i turned into such an unhappy girl. i am freezing right now and i need your words to warm my heart. say something to me with meaning. give me what i need. show me where i can go to be safe. save me. i am so numb. help me feel again. be patient. hold me. thats all i really need. where along the road did i lose myself. why will i cry myself to sleep tonight as i have many other nights. i need to hear a familiar voice. i need a laugh. i need to be held and cared about. one person, just one thoughtful caring person can change my night.
and i found him
i love you fata. thanks for everything.
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[05 Mar 2006|12:30am] |
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one day there will be a place for me. it may take years to find it, but i know that i will one day smile and mean it. until then, i will continue to exist, unhappy and lifeless, but hopeful.
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[04 Feb 2006|12:20am] |
i love sitting alone in my room on a friday night with a pounding headache listening to the sounds of drunk people running around. i cant help but wonder if the laughs and screams i hear are genuine. maybe they are really happy or maybe they resort to shots every weekend to escape some sort of emptiness. in reality, i just want to know that i'm not alone. i dont want to be the only one feeling like this. you guys, i've lost myself and i dont know where i went or how to get me back. i feel hopeless. i am scared. i am just existing. i am not happy. i have the world at my feet and instead of jumping into its endless opportunities, im running in the opposite direction and i dont know why. i feel as though i am achieving nothing. i am not having fun here or enjoying my life the way i really wish i could.
when i was little, i imagined so much for myself. in my dreams, i was a paleontologist, a teacher, a ballerina. i found the cure for cancer. i was an astronaut. and now here i am, ready to become something. to do something. and im stuck. im going no where. my future is blurry and i have no direction. i have no guidance. im terrified of independence. i doubt myself and my abilities, and, i believe, with great reason. this is the wrong school for me. this school is for leaders, and though i used to carry the world on my shoulders, i no longer have any talent or capability to lead anything, including myself. what happened to me. why am i so afraid to be me. i live each day just to get it over with. i have nothing to look forward to. no one to share my deepest thoughts with. i am stuck in a place where i am not wanted. ok, tufts..u proved to me that all i've ever been was alot of talk. are u happy? now i dont even know who i am or where i belong. fix this. someone please fix this.
all i do know is listen to mixes from highschool, trying to connect with u guys again, to rely on memories for happiness. bring me back to the time when i was me. when i was happy. when i had a purpose. when i was needed. when i had an idea of where i was going in life. this will go away right? this is just a phase. please tell me its just a phase.
i have to throw up.
with warm summer eyes that flickered like fireflies and she stared at the world
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[19 Dec 2005|10:35pm] |
school has been pretty crazy...major adjustments in my life. too much to talk about right now...but i want to introduce you to my new boyfriend.....
..........chip. for those of you who dont know, eric and i are no longer together and i came to tufts thinking that i was gonna ban all boys forever and focus on school. once again, for those of you who knew me in highschool, you know thats unrealistic. lol. but for real, i met this boy. he tried to hook me up with his best friend, but that didnt even kind of work out. lol. he's so different than any other guy ive met in my life. he makes me laugh..all the time...like abs hurting, cant breathe, my DOLPHIN laugh kind of laugh. i havent stopped smiling since i met him, regardless of the argumanets we have had. he's so interesting (no, not ugly baby interesting)..i mean like...there are so many sides to him. i never stop discovering things about him or learning from him. he listens like no other. he is sweet and caring. he puts his heart out there for anyone in trouble and has taken care of me more times then i can count. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i really love him. call me crazy. DO IT. lol. we've been dating for a month and i know i love him and that he is the one for me. im done looking. i have everything i could ever need in him. he is so smart and responsible. hes not a waste like other people i kno and at the same time, he's open for change.he respects me. he respects my wishes and my values. he is proud to be seen with me. like, are u serious? is that real???? i have to pinch myself everytime im with him. he's driven but he knows that his path in life can change any second. and he's so ready for any challenge that comes his way. he's only now realizing that im probably the biggest challenge hes had so far lol. but he does not give up on me. i cant tell you what that means. he does not give up on me. and, he wants me in his life. he wants to take care of me. he wants to love me. its amazing. hes amazing. he, besides melody, is my role model. i admire his endless capabilities. i wish i could be like that. you guys should really see us when we are together. u should see how i smile. but, at the same time. ive a handfull. ive gotten alot better with my jealousy issue. im not psycho anymore. ok, yea i am i always will be. but im dealing with it better lol. its just...we've come to a point in our relationship where i have to give...i have to compromise. i have to work on myself. no one likes to admit there is something wrong with themselves..but ive got relationship issue. and i really need to wake up before i lose the best thing that has happened to me. im stubborn. im a taurus. im sooo stubborn..ITS GENETIC TOO..so i feel a bit better about that lol..but regardless, it is an issue. i have too much pride. i never ever give in. i need to change. how do i fix this. i want to so bad, but how do i fix this. im so frustrating..to myself and im sure to him too. i need to just let myself go. i kno im not giving him 100% , because everyone is always afraid to be out there. to be critisized. to be embarassed. but im especailly bad with that. i dont want to be manipulated like i used to be. i dont want to be hurt like i used to be. but i kno if i am asking for him to change and be more understanding about me, then i kno i have to give back. im going to. im not even proud of myself to begin with lol, so i dont kno what im doing. i will stop. i have the motivation and i need to realize that its the reality of the situation. i suck at this part and its not going to work if i dont try. and ive never wanted anything to work as badly as i want this to work. dont give up on me cuz i will change. i act like a little child because ive always been spolied and when i dont get my way i get mad. but that has to stop. i kno im just afraid that if i do that i will give in too much and then eric will happen again. but i just have to get over that fear and trust myself.i kno another big thing is that im afriad of not being good enough. im afriad of not saying the right things. not doing the right things. being with someone older always is hard because they are more experienced. and with chip, he is SO much more experienced then me and im always afriad his experiences have allowed him to create an image in his head of the perfect gf and ill never live up to it. im afriad he compares me to his past realationships and wonders why i cant be like them. im afraid ill never be what he wants and so i get defensive. its such a bad idea but i put up a wall so that i cant be hurt when he tells me that there are things wrong with me. i dunno im messed up, but im going to fix it. itll be good. and ur all invited to the wedding lol.
i feel better. thanks for listening, lj...u were always so good at that.
im home kids. call me so we can hang out.
oh p.s. i love chip.
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[26 Aug 2005|11:44pm] |
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everything is so unfamiliar. this town doesnt seem right anymore. for some reason, i'm finding it hard to call home. maybe its because they say home is where the heart is, and my heart is scattered across the country with the people the mean the most to me. saying goodbye is like reopening the deepest wounds, only to realize that they will never heal as long as i am separated from the ones i love. i always run to this thing whenever i need to release. i successfully avoided it as my final days at hills came winding down. i avoided the pain of graduation, deciding that i would undoubtably be returning to whhs as september rolled around. i believed in this lie for 3 months. but now its over. my easy way out has come back to bite me in the ass. time, you son of a bitch, you always do this to me. i never have enough time. i said farewell to my best friend tonight as the sun set on the hills. unfortunatly, i cannot just believe in a lie again, for she will not be there when i call. none of you will be there. i feel so alone, so empty without another to share my experiences with. and now i sit, in a ghost town screaming memories at me wherever i go. and now i have too much time. all i have is time. time to sit and remember and desire my old life. i didnt ask for this to happen. i was perfectly content with my life the way it was. i dont want to find a new best friend, or any other friends for that matter. and yes, selfishly, i dont want any of you to find new friends either. im so scared of being forgotten. i used to long to get out of this place, and now i will long for my squeaky bed, sitting in doc's class, preparing for spirit week. dont take me away yet. im not ready to go. but all of you are out there beginning your new lives, and i dont want to be left behind. my grandfather always told me that highschool would be the best four years of my life. dear god, he was right. but perhaps i was one of the lucky ones who was able to fufill more than ever dreamed possible. i cant even begin to describe the impact you have all had on my life. i know we will see eachother soon, but that still wont make up for the feeling of loss i have in my heart. this is so typical of my life though. as soon as i am comfortable with who i am and the people i love, it is all ripped away from me. but dont worry, i will fight for you all and our friendships. and now im exhausted. tired of crying. tired of trying to fight the inevitable. time for bed. time to rest. time to close my eyes and hope that when i wake up ill have my best friend back and that ill be getting ready to go back to the halls of wayne hills.
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[20 Mar 2005|03:46pm] |
it is the unsaid that really makes the difference
think about that
i have so much anger
and im warning you....shits about to go down.
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[17 Feb 2005|07:09pm] |
i am a product of MTV. i care too much about the outside world. i try to impress all the wrong people. i am the perfect example of the opposite of what ive tried to be. i am fake. i am a lie.
i prayed for hours last night. i felt like the only person awake in the world. i am aware that i have led myself to this. i never had any sort of malicious intent. i took advantage. but i feel like my heart is bleeding. i asked god for strength. so i can prove myself.
ive never been one to give up. this is not an exception.
im sitting hear listening to the cats outside my house cry. i dont kno what they are longing for or why they are hurting, but i connect with their pain. i have sympathy.
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[12 Feb 2005|08:48pm] |
i havent been around for a while..not that ive been busy or anything..its mostly because i have recently discovered the joys of private entries. i need soothing, and for me, words have always held healing powers.
i needed somewhere to go tonight. i needed an escape from all things wayne. and so i drove myself to kholes. i went the long way and did alot of thinking. and then i sat in the parking lot and cried for a good half hour. i kept thinking..why the hell am i still here..in wayne..in highschool...i cant wait to break free of this and go far far away. i cant wait to turn my back on here and all the memories i have here and be without this. i will turn my back on this and on YOU...and you will never hear from me again. so use me to whatever extent you wish while u still can. i am just now realizing that the only thing i will have in a few months is myself. and so i must work on making myself stronger.
but this is just me being emotional.
but then again..this is me.
why do u have to be moving across the country. u are seriously the only person i can count on.
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[05 Jan 2005|08:54pm] |
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new icon..yay
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[14 Dec 2004|05:10pm] |
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TUFTS UNIVERSITY, HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[09 Dec 2004|09:30pm] |
i found the new one today. its sitting there in the other room screaming to me. calling me, distracting me, feeding off of my weaknesses. the cure, the end to all my problems in one simple step. i am being tested and my weaknesses are screaming at me to help myself. help myself, fix myself, give myself all ive deserved. i talk openly about it because i am afraid. i am afraid of my capabilities. its like a flip of a switch; in 20 minutes my problems can fade and i will be able to feel. she once told me that she got away with it all by "just wanting to go to sleep". i just want to go to sleep. to escape this world for a little while and enter my own dreams where things make sense. i have been hit harder than i could have ever imagined and temptation can drive a person mad. i dont kno anything about it, just that its there for me when others are not; when i am not there for myself. it seems so easy. it seems so perfect. it seems so right. im fighting myself bare knuckled and im down for the count.
im scared. i have no one to turn to because everyone else has a problem of their own. my closest friends have become cold to me and im running out of patience and im running out of time. i want my fucking life back. i dont want to have to do this, but its the only way to get rid of the churning in my stomach and the constant thoughs rushing through my head. please do not give up on me. i am worth something.
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[07 Dec 2004|08:29pm] |
8 more days until i found out my destiny. excited? u would think so. but im not. im not nervous. im not scared. im not anything. i dont feel anymore. ive lost the ability to feel. im empty and hollow and have returned to my days of machinery, repetition upon repetition of the same things every day. i dont feel like i have much to count on anymore. nothing is ever permanent, and allowing my hopes to soar is dangerous for a person like me. i am constantly killed by expectations. maybe i set unreasonably high standards for others as i have done for myself in the past. maybe im tired of being disappointed in myself. i can feel my stomach churning with no real reason. no real explanation. and the worst part is i can tell you what neurotransmitter is causing it. im tired of being a brain. im tired of feeling like i have nothing else to offer besides long lists of straight a's and extracurriculars. i feel like i live a lie. my one wish is to live; thats all ive ever wanted. i vowed to change myself this year, and i do feel that i have, but now i resent each new day. i dont want to be like this. i dont want to turn into this person not even myself knows. im so tired of living up to standards, impossible standards that i just will never reach. i was happy. not too long ago actually, and i cant remember where it all went wrong. im convinced that i am sick. i begged my father tonight for a cat scan. my head thunders ever day and i cannot relieve myself of the constant pressures within it. i do not feel healthy. i know something is wrong. then again, its so fucked up because i dont think anything is. i try to find excuses so i will give myself a god damn break. i seek attention because i dont think i deserve any. everyone likes to know that someone else cares. and i kno that i have that, i just want to allow myself to feel it. im tired of people walking all over me. im not someone u can just pull out when u need. u cant put me down for no reason. no one understand how unbelievably fragile i am. i am not strong. i am always scared. i just need more. i need something else to live. thoughts come into my head that i have banned a long time ago and its all because i let other people destroy me. i do not like who i am anymore. and whats worse is that i kno others dont either. but i am lost once again and i dont have anyone to go to anymore. i mean, i do have people to talk to, but i just feel like none of them have the answer. i need to discover answers and i just feel that i dont ever have time to. i dont have the accessibility i desire. im tired of your hollow threats. stop acting so invincible. im not here to play this fucking pride game with you, because thanks to u i feel like i have nothing to be proud of. u are destroying me daily and u dont even know it. u dont give me credit; u dont even acknowledge me anymore. im not going to let u leave me in pieces anymore. any of you. dont pretend to care about me because u set false notions. i dont deserve to be lied to. u are not the fucking ruler of the world. dont treat me elike ur servant. i have had enough. if this doesnt change..im done. i will go back to what is familiar. i went out on a limb. and u broke me in half.
im tired of disappointments.
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[15 Nov 2004|09:00pm] |
the pain and suffering that comes along with loss is unavoidable. to drown in grief is dangerous but at times it is welcomed. i often consider giving up. to just stop feeling and attaching in hopes of averting pain. but to live a life in solitude and fear is lonely and i need to grow. sometimes i cant understand why god feels the need to take away life and i constantly battle with death. cancer is a horrific thing and to imagine mr.zito suffering on a daily basis and struggling to survive rips my heart out. im tired of people dying. im tired of people not being able to take advantage of the gift of life as it is pulled out right from under them. i try to believe that faith and hope goes beyond science and that god will be the deciding factor, but it is hard to put faith in something that has let you down so many times. i wonder if he was content with his life. i wonder if he got to do everything he wanted to. i wonder if he liked his job; i wonder if he liked me. i wonder if i ever made him smile or if i ever brightened his day. i wonder if he knew how important he was in my life. i wonder if he knew how much i care. there must be a reason for all of this. it must make sense somehow. for now i will choose to believe that he is no longer suffering and in a happier place surrounded by italian eggies. no one else will ever understand the magnitude of a simple "sei cinese" or "Ex. D...D as in cane" or "Heyyyyyyaaaahhhhh Ch!"...no one will EVER know. and i am happy that i got to share that. Zampano! no other teacher trusts me enough to let me turn around during a test and share answers with melody. no other teacher would let me make a fireplace and allow me to hang it in the most obnoxious place in the classroom. jewish santas, italian club, its just all so surreal. you will be missed, mr.zito. just know the impact you had on my life and how much u meant to us all.
thank you for being my teacher.
until next time, Arrivederci.
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[17 Oct 2004|01:45pm] |
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its pretty sad that i run to this thing everytime im upset, but its my only form of comfort and i really dont think thats a bad thing anymore. i swear, if didnt have ethel last night, i dont kno what i would have done. i dont kno how one person can be so selfish and hurtful and blind. and i dont kno why this always happens to me. i dont wanna be done with this. but here i am, sick to my stomach and i still have to finish the georgetown essay..none of this matters anymore. i dont understand why i always have to be the one crying. i dont understand why my heart always has to be broken. i dont understand how i am so trusting and every time get my feelings thrown back in my face. i dont why this happens to me every single time. this is the worst feeling. im seriously going to throw up. i dont wanna do this anymore. i cant think of anything else. im hurt. you hurt me. im hurting so badly. why can i never be happy. i cant eat. my cheeks are raw. i cant feel anymore.
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